Exhibit A: Bacon mayonnaise

From the clever folks who invented Bacon Salt comes now the truly diabolical “Baconnaise” (probably trademarked by now), a product guaranteed to delight cardiologists everywhere by answering the age-old question, “How can we make mayonnaise even more hazardous to your arteries than it already is?”

In this case, that answer is a recipe for mayo that includes a half a cup of bacon fat.

Presumably the result is mayo that is vaguely bacon-flavored, but I will never know. I got as far as the recipe’s admonition to “use it all up, as the bacon fat will turn it solid in the refrigerator,” and pretty much decided to take a pass on the whole concept.

Exhibit B: Deep-fried dispute

In one corner, we have a restaurant in Chicago, and in the other corner, a joint in Texas, the two leading contestants in the debate over which eatery invented battered, deep-fried bacon.

Mind you, each side wants recognition for creating this dietary horror. We’re talking raw bacon soaked in egg wash, heavily floured, then deep fried and served up with a bowl of cream gravy on the side, although a bowl of Zocor would be seem more prudent and appropriate.

I would reveal the restaurants’ names and locations, but that could conceivably make me an accessory to a coronary or two.

Exhibit C: Bacon doughnuts

But not just plain bacon doughnuts, oh no; rather, maple glazed bacon doughnuts, a breakfast innovation that makes the Egg McMuffin look like a cancer cure.

This culinary brainstorm comes from the Nickel Diner in — surprise — downtown Los Angeles, and consists of your basic doughnut covered with lots of cooked bacon bits and then drenched with a maple glaze.

This is, clearly, nutritionally insane, but If you’ve ever had pancakes (or waffles) with bacon and dunked (or swabbed) the bacon into the syrup, you know what a dangerously seductive creation this could be. You think America has an obesity problem now? Just wait until Krispy Kreme gets wind of this.

Exhibit D: Bacon-flavored dental floss

Seriously. Bacon Floss, available online, 27 yards, waxed, for $4.95, and the perfect companion for your omelette-flavored toothpaste.

Exhibit E onward: Make-’em-yourself woven bacon place mats, bacon serving cups, wearable bacon tiaras, and more

You can find the instructions for assembly at various actual, not-made-up websites, if you truly have that much time on your hands.

Bacon madness. It’s sweeping America. Right into hospital cardiac wards.

The strict Islamic countries (pork prohibited!) may have the last laugh after all.

(By Robert S. Wieder for CalorieLab Calorie Counter News)

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This entry was posted on Friday, November 28th, 2008 and is filed under Food dangers, Food miscellaneous. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed. Permalink.