Dr. J on a rose by any other name, or the power of communication
Contributor: “Dr. J”Dr. J offers his irreverent, slightly irrelevant, but possibly useful opinions on health and fitness. A Florida surgeon and fitness freak with a black belt in karate, he runs 50 miles a week and flies a Cherokee Arrow 200.
Communication is one of the greatest gifts we have! The ability to share thoughts and feelings through our spoken and written language is really key to our continued progress as sentient beings. This column certainly would not exist without the gift of language.
However, merely having the ability to communicate is not always sufficient to truly reach one another on levels that can connect and unify us.
What’s in a name?
I’ll always remember Liz, although her name wasn’t Liz, it was Mary! I first met Liz when doing a sub-internship in psychiatry while a medical student.
Before continuing I want to just add that the term “sub-intern” is an odd name in itself, as nothing could be lower than an intern in the medical world. Even though a medical student — aka sub-intern — may sound lower, really the medical student is protected and has privileges like being allowed to go home after work, something the intern may or may not have. Also the medical student, not being a doctor as of yet, is not responsible for any screw up. The intern is responsible for the medical student’s mistakes, and for that matter everyone else’s right up to the chief of the department, perhaps even the president of the university.
But to continue.
Liz was a formidable woman! She was every bit of six feet tall and 220 pounds of very solid, strong, intimidating woman! Liz was on an enforced psychiatric sojourn in our locked inpatient unit for being a clear and present danger to, possibly, herself, but definitely to others, as a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, not in her happy place.
I remember one time when one of the men foolishly sat in her favorite chair in the day room.
“That’s my chair!” Liz said, quite clearly. The man at fault being a true gentleman, no doubt, the chair was vacant a millisecond after she spoke those words to him.
My first meeting with Liz was quite benign in comparison. I was the new white-coated medical student (kind of like a red cross on the battlefield), just wandering around the unit, checking out the situation, so to speak, when I came face to (well, not quite) face with, Liz.
One of the actual doctors was in the area, noticed me and said,”Oh, that’s Mary, be careful with her!”
Before I could say anything, Mary quite firmly said, “My name’s Liz!”
“Hi Liz!” I said with reflexes sharpened from karate kumite practice in the dojo. The smile on her face was all the lesson that I needed as she went on to say a friendly hello.
Communicating where people want to be reached
I got along quite well with Liz during my rotation. I cannot say the same for many of the actual doctors assigned to her treatment. They all insisted on calling her Mary. Something about reality testing and names and all.
Years later, I am reminded of the work by the famous therapist Milton Erickson who, when confronted with a patient who thought he was Jesus, put him to work as a carpenter, and through that common ground, reached him and was able to guide him to a healthier place.
I’ve tried to remember that lesson. All the knowledge in the world won’t help anyone unless they can access it. Finding a common ground, connecting with each other, and through that connection, being able to understand one another and share our knowledge is truly the Rose by any name.
Don’t you think, Liz?
(Send your questions for Dr. J to calorielab@gmail.com or leave a comment. If your question is used by Dr. J, CalorieLab will send you a $25 Dining Dough restaurant certificate — limited to U.S. residents. More Dr. J posts can be read in our archives.)
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January 10th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Great Story Dr J! Making a strong connection with people is important in all cases! thanks for this!
January 10th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Are you sure you’re spelling Liz’s name correctly?
Could’ve been ‘Merry’ ;)
January 10th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Good for you for finding a way to communicate with a difficult patient.
It’s funny how often people will let fine points of “reality” get in the way of relationships. Reality is pretty overrated!
January 10th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Dr. J.,
A meaningful and instructive post.
I happen to think that this woman, I’ll call her Liz, responded to the fact that you showed her respect.
My middle name is Eileen. If I, as an adult woman, decided that I wanted to be called “Eileen”, it would be respected. I could legally have my name changed, etc.
It seems very demeaning to me that the doctors refused to allow her the same rights and respect they would extend to any other adult.
So, yes, connection and communication is so important, and pretty near impossible when we are arrogant and disrespectful.
Thank you for the story of your own compassionate communication and connection.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Thanks Rupal!
Connections are a beautiful thing :-)
Liz was, unfortunately, the farthest thing from Merry, Merry!
Crabby!
“Reality is pretty overrated,” may become my 2009 mantra, thanks!!
Thank you Ruth!
I think the doctors in this case were too narrowly focused with their thinking rather than trying to be disrespectful.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
That was a swell story, DJ.
(Don’t call me Liz.)
January 11th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Thanks for helping us remember to not sweat the small stuff, Dr. J.
If she wants to be a Liz, call her Liz. It gets that small problem out of her way so you can help her with bigger issues.
Thanks
January 12th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Great story, Dr. J. And such a good point. You have the best stories - are they all true? :)
January 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am
POD!
Anything but “late to dinner,” I think is the line!
Thanks Dr. Hubbard! Right on target as always!
Sahar!
Absolutely true! Real life provides the best lessons. I may “change the names to protect the innocent” :-)
January 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Good story!
Am learning ALL ABOUT communication theory this term… most people think I’m crazy because I’m kinda looking forward to the theory behind it all. Hehe.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Having done the whole in-patient thing, I can absolutely believe that this is a true story. I love it that you’re able to “meet people where they are,” so to speak!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I lovelovelove hearing your psychiatry stories! And this one does not disappoint! I’m so glad that you were able to have a good relationship with Liz and that you related to her on her terms. Your conclusion was especially apt. Well written Dr. J!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Sagan!
I would imagine your communication skills are really appreciated in that class.
It sounds really interesting!
Hilary!
Where they are is usually easier than making them come to where you are :-)
Especially, as therapist, if we can do that. Finding that oasis in their psychiatric desert where they have much less stress can be the shared water that will help quench their struggles.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Charlotte!
Thanks Charlotte! I didn’t mention it in the story, but the day when Liz’s adorable 5 year old daughter came to see her was very special!
January 12th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
It’s sometimes difficult to make that connection, because we are often too self-centered. But it’s definitely worth the effort.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:53 am
There is something special about connecting with another human being while others around you don’t see it that’s satisfying. I have a very select group of people that work for me doing IT work. Some of these individuals can be a little “quirky” and need a different approach. I have one worker that was always getting into problems with his temper and couldn’t handle the interaction with others, but his gift was the ability to troubleshoot and fix almost any issue. I also had an individual that was not so gifted technically and would spend way too much time just talking to everyone in his path. So by talking to them and getting to the root of their issues I was able to come up with a solution. Individually, they were a disaster, but I made them a team where one goes out as the front man and pats people on the back and tells them not to worry, while the technically proficient one stays back and takes calls from his teammate. They now exceed the requirements for each day and both are very happy with no discipline problems at all. That’s a long way around saying that communicating with them on the level they wanted made things much better all around.
Great story Dr. J
January 13th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Vered!
Very well put, thanks!!
Tom!
Being a good “boss” is a real talent! Bringing out the best in everyone is a win-win for the entire group! Way to go, Tom!!
January 13th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I went back to school in my mid-thirties to obtain a second bachelors degree and do something completely different. Because I had children and was quite a bit older than most of the students by fifteen years, one of my instructors insisted on calling me Ms. Gray while she called all the other female students by Miss so and so. I pleaded with her to just call me Kami, but all semester long, I was Ms. Gray. Not that I was there to make friends, but it didn’t make it any easier for the other students to relate to me. She was a great teacher, but to this day, when I think of her, I become annoyed!
January 13th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Kami!
I think sharing a room with Liz at the psych hospital would show your ex-instructor the error of her ways very quickly :-)
January 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
“Finding a common ground, connecting with each other, and through that connection, being able to understand one another and share our knowledge is truly the Rose by any name.” AMEN! Thanks as always!