Dr. J on baseball, cliques and weight loss
Contributor: “Dr. J”Dr. J offers his irreverent, slightly irrelevant, but possibly useful opinions on health and fitness. A Florida surgeon and fitness freak with a black belt in karate, he runs 50 miles a week and flies a Cherokee Arrow 200.
I love baseball! I played shortstop on a high school club team, and even today, nothing makes me feel more like a kid than throwing a baseball!
Put me in coach, I’m ready to play
A few years ago, my best friend was the head coach/player for a baseball team from our hospital, and he suggested I join the team! The team had won a local tournament the previous year, but had lost a player or two, and needed to reload.
I would be the back-up shortstop, as the current first-teamer was the team’s star, had played semi-pro ball and was really very good. I was starting in left field, which was fine with me, as after shortstop, outfield was where I had played before.
I attended a preseason practice to meet the team before the first game. The guys had been together for a couple of years, and I was the new kid on the block. Funny thing was, other than a polite hello or two, no one on the team would talk to the rookie. The practice went OK, and the following week was the start of the season.
Our team was the home team, so after warming up I headed out, in silence, to my position in left field. The first batter beat out a slow grounder to third. Then it happened. The second batter hit a low line drive to left! I ran full speed toward the sinking ball, and made a shoestring catch, looking to see that the ball really was in my glove, and threw it straight to our player covering second base.
After two more outs I trotted in to the dugout. “Nice play!” greeted me from our star shortstop as I arrived, and suddenly everything changed. The rest of the team started talking to me! I was now an accepted member of their clique and a part of the crew.
It felt pretty good to be accepted by the team! We had a common goal and team unity would help get us there. Sometimes, however, the team may not be as accepting, and can actually hurt you on your playing path.
Weight loss and those close to you
Research shows that your peer group, family, and especially close friends are not always on your team when it comes to weight loss. Not everyone will be as happy about or supportive of your fitness changes as you may wish for or need. As surprising as it may sound, friends may have a hard time with it.
“In some ways, your weight loss becomes a symbol of their inability to accomplish their goals, so they may begin to act resentful, or even mean, oftentimes without even realizing they are doing so,” says Christian Holle, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at William Patterson University in Wayne, N.J.
“You may find that they are suddenly excluding you from activities, saying mean things, taunting you about your new body or even your new clothes — all born of resentment about not being able to achieve their own weight loss goals,” says Warren Huberman, PhD, a psychologist who often counsels patients in conjunction with the New York University Program for Surgical Weight Loss.
Sometimes even the most encouraging partner can be less than supportive once the weight loss actually begins to show.
“If a spouse becomes slimmer, feels better, and gets more attention from friends and strangers alike, their partner can suddenly feel threatened by the change in the status quo,” says John McGrail, a Los Angeles clinical hypnotherapist and behavior expert
The experts give suggestions on dealing with lack of support
“Remind them of how much their support has meant to you, and how happy you are to be healthy enough to do more things together,” says Holle.
Huberman agrees: “The key is not to recoil and let walls build. Recognize what is going on, address it gently, and keep the lines of communication open.”
With your family it’s important to get them on your team if at all possible.
“In most instances, those who love you will not only get used to the new you, they will celebrate your newfound good health, good looks, and new attitude,” adds Holle.
With your friends there is more leeway; if they won’t team up, consider the freeway!
I’m not saying that you must kick your friends to the curb, but perhaps adding some new friends with similar health and fitness goals, and avoiding eating situations with the old crew, would work to your benefit.
Weight loss is hard. Most people need every advantage they can find. Having a supportive team around you may make the difference in your success or failure.
My bottom line is this is your life, and if the changes you are making are helping you to be healthier, then stay in the game, even if it means your shedding the old team. You will find a better team!
Batter up!
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Love that pic Dr. J.. shorter shorts would have been nicer for me! :-)
And this subject is so true & I feel so bad for those that do not get the support they need for a very difficult journey with mental being a big part of it! I have been lucky. In the past when I lost weight & then when I was older & changing the game plan to more muscle, I was supported by family & friends & hubby.
I have read & seen so many stories of people that had friends that were not supportive & down right mean, husbands & friends & family that sabotaged their efforts feeling threatened & yes, jealous. If they can eventually get past it, great. BUT, some have had to ditch the bad karma to save themselves & that is sad for the people/friends & yes, sometimes family, that got left behind. They could have learned so much from the person losing weight.
Agreed! Having support can make so much of a difference when you’re on that bleeding edge of quitting and don’t know why you’re bothering to get up at 6am to exercise or whatever. Having a workout buddy or your family behind your or a team can make all the difference.
Great post, very timely. And personally, I kinda liked the shorts just as they are :)
A lesser statistic, that when I discovered it a couple of years ago, changed my life, my perspective, and the way I do business:
I have been involved in exercise and fitness for my livliehood for nearly 30 years. I am proud that I have been associated with many instances of long-term weight-loss (more than 30 pounds, kept off more than 1 year).
In the instances of this type of weight-loss by more than a dozen of my clients going back 10 years from today, every one of my married clients, EVERY ONE, who lost more than 30 pounds and kept it off for more than one year, fell out of their relationship, married or otherwise.
This haunts me; the helping of people, and seeing that their can be a downside to weight-loss; loss of personal relationships, even spouses.
My point? That I now recommend martial counseling for those married clients who begin a weight-loss program. In fact, I will not work on that type of weight-loss until after the counseling begins — because it will be needed. I suggest other trainers and nutritionists who might read this do the same.
Jody!
A few of the older members at the fitness center wear short shorts from the 70′s. I called the fashion police to ticket them :-)
I. like you, would like to see the significant other in a relationship be supportive. In psychiatry we learned that with many problems, that support makes the difference between success and failure.
EFR!
Good comment! If you used a name for your “name” you might have a chance of not being deleted by the powers at the Lab.
Merry!
Thanks, buddy! I don’t want to be ticketed :-)
Linda!
I think if I had followed your suggestion, the team would never have accepted their, too slow, outfielder. I would also like to add that I think wearing weighted stuff is a very bad idea even when not playing the game!
Roy!
Thank you for your experienced insight! I do know of some examples of this. I completely support your suggestion!
Dr. J.. I hope you got that my short shorts thing was a joke…. Merry, sorry to confuse you! I do like the longer shorts as I remember the days of those shorter shorts on guys! ;-) Glad you called the fashion police!
Great picture. And for some reason when I got to “batter up” I was ready for pancakes or some kind of yummy batter … so thanks a lot!
I wonder who really thinks this?
…”your weight loss becomes a symbol of their inability to accomplish their goals”? I mean do they mean that a person’s weight loss becomes a symbol of a person’s inability to accomplish goals? I guess I don’t understand that sentence though it stuck out almost like the word ‘batter.’
Warm, fresh from the oven — CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!
Have a great night!
I’ve read about this before and I just don’t get it. You would think your friends and family would support you if you were doing something to make yourself healthy. Human nature is so weird sometimes, isn’t it?
“even if it means your shedding the old team. You will find a better team!” Absolutely. I had to do something similar (shedding the old team) when I stopped practicing my faith. It can be done. Everyone needs to do what’s best for them and never let toxic friends hold them back from doing what’s right for them and reaching their personal goals.
You may never have read my story of what happened between my “best friend” and I when I lost my 150 pounds, but in a nutshell, things fell apart. It was one of the most surprising things that happened to me as I changed my life. It was the dark spot in an otherwise happy time.
Having supportive friends and family really does help ones journey, but they aren’t 100% necessary for success.
Great pic of you!
Lookin good Dr. J! No aluminum for you I see.
I notice my biggest saboteur in my quest is my mom. She has struggled with her weight now for many years and every few months I hear her say she’s cutting out candy or chips or whatever. My motivation has obviously had no effect on her. And the frustrating thing is she has said things like “you’re not a runner” or “no more running”. I’m like, why wouldn’t you want me to do something that makes me happy? Another thing she does is every time I come home she makes a ridiculous amount of food and baked goods, knowing that I can’t resist her cooking but really want to.
I don’t know if it’s intentional or not…T thinks it is…but I haven’t let it drag me down.
POD!
Thank you! No one thinks like that, but psychologists have to make a living somehow! Perhaps when he is Professor Holle, he will have simplified the explanation :-)
Sahar!
That’s for sure!!
Vered!
Thank you for that comment! That must have been very painful for you. I’m glad you stayed true to your beliefs!
Diane!
Thank you! I hadn’t read about that. I’m sorry that both of you lost the friendship!
Brandon!
My grandmother was like that! Once I learned to look into those pleading eyes and say, “No thank you,” I could resist anyone!
Stay strong! Just hug your mom and say I love you! (and hold a bake sale :-)
This is such an interesting topic. Food, eating, weight loss, emotions and relationships are complex, individual issues. But like you pointed out there are close connections to food and relationships and different ways it can all play out. I don’t have the answers but I think awareness is the first step. Being very aware of who brings nourishment to your life is just as important as being aware of which foods are nourishing.
Jolene!
“Being very aware of who brings nourishment to your life is just as important as being aware of which foods are nourishing.”
If not more important!! Very well said!
This is really tough, when your loved ones just aren’t there for you. I hate how we have to prove ourselves to be an accepted member of the team… but sometimes I guess that’s just how it is.
Sagan!
There is probably a genetic component to being accepted into the herd, but I agree with your sentiment. We have the capacity to overcome our crueler tendencies.
You always offer fantastic analogies! Support is important indeed! Fantastic read as always!
Mark!
Thanks for your support!!
Wow, it’s so sad when people feel so threatened by others’ successes that they try to drag them back down! While there are definitely some people like that in my life, thankfully most of them are very kind and supportive of me – even in the midst of all my nuttiness!
And hey – LOVE the baseball pic!
Charlotte!
I’m glad you have a strong support group! In my experience, I’ve had both supportive people, and ex-acquaintances :-)
It is extremely important to surround yourself with supportive people that will help you reach your goals. It can be very difficult to stay on track when those around you are on a different page. To make a total lifestyle change, address 4 main areas: nutrition, exercise, stress management, and sleep. For more information, see my book, “How To Eat Fried Chicken and Be Thin Too” on Amazon or at strategicbookpublishing.com
Kelly!
Thank you for your comment! I don’t eat fried or chicken.
WLP!
All righty then!
Nice pic! Not having support is hard, but I think the people that really care about you will eventually figure out ways to support you.
Hi Mary!
Thank you! That is what I have found in my life, even if it is tough love :-)