Dr. J on dealing with bullies
Contributor: “Dr. J”Dr. J offers his irreverent, slightly irrelevant, but possibly useful opinions on health and fitness. A Florida surgeon and fitness freak with a black belt in karate, he runs 50 miles a week and flies a Cherokee Arrow 200.
I don’t suffer bullies gladly! Being skipped ahead in school during first grade, I was the smallest kid in the class, and an easy target for bullies. I don’t dwell on it, but if I search my memories, I can still feel the pain of those early years.
Standing up to a bully
During my surgical training, I had a six month rotation as an anesthesia resident. On my first day with the anesthesia service, walking along the long hallway between the many operating rooms, I was attempting to familiarize myself with the territory, and trying to find the mentor I had been assigned to.
Suddenly, from one of the rooms, a large man in surgical scrubs came running out and seeing me, focused his wide-eyed stare, and started screaming at me, “GET A BLOOD SET! GET A BLOOD SET!” Bewildered, I tried to tell him I didn’t know what he was talking about, and after his saying a few more choice words to me, he ran off!
Later that same day, in the operating room hallway, I happened across him again. I got his attention, walked up to him and said, “If you ever talk to me again like you did earlier today, I will kick the crap out of you! Matter of fact, I’m going to do it anyway, RIGHT NOW!” My karate skills were at their peak at that time, and as I said, I had a deep-seated memory of bullies. He apologized on the spot! I later found out his name was Jack, he was an ex-Marine and a nurse on the anesthesia service.
I figured I was in big trouble! The operating room area in that large hospital was far from empty, and a new resident screaming that he was going to beat up one of the personnel would not go unnoticed. I went home that night feeling that it was my last day as a guest on the anesthesia service. Funny thing was, when I nervously showed up the next day, nobody said anything about it, which was fine with me.
I really liked being an anesthesia resident. I had several wonderful teachers, and learned so much.
As it turned out, during the sixth and last month on the service, my sister decided to get married! Her wedding was to take place in California, and I was in Ohio. Because of a lucky break with the call schedule, I happened to have both weekend days off when it was happening. I went to see the head of the residency program.
“Doctor, my sister is getting married in two weeks,” I told him. “Do you think I could have one day, Friday, off, so I can fly out to California for her wedding?” (I figured fly out Friday, wedding Saturday, fly back Sunday.)
His answer really surprised me!
“J, take a whole week off for what you said to Jack on your first day on the service!” he said with a broad smile across his face!
I was not the first person Jack had bullied, and he had a reputation for being another bully that just didn’t know when to back off, so the department was actually happy I had stood up to him when I did!
The effects of being bullied
Bullying is very common in society, happening in school, the social arena, Internet bullying, the workplace and now even the Tower of London.
Most of us have had some interactions with bullies. Usually, we can move on without too much damage, but unfortunately, sometimes these interactions can have serious lasting consequences.
In the short term:
- Anger
- Depression
- Anxious avoidance of settings in which bullying may occur
- Greater incidence of illness
- Lower grades than non-bullied peers
- Suicidal thoughts, feelings and actualization
In the long term:
- Reduced occupational opportunities
- Lingering feelings of anger and bitterness, desire for revenge
- Difficulty trusting people
- Interpersonal difficulties, including fear and avoidance of new social situations
- Increased tendency to be a loner
- Perception of self as easy to victimize, overly sensitive and thin-skinned
- Self-esteem problems
- Increased incidence of continued bullying and victimization
- Becoming a bully to others
Undoing the damage
What needs to heal, and can take some time, in most cases, is not physical damage, but rather, the damage to self-identity and self-concept. Bullied people need to learn how to feel safe again in the world. They need to learn that they are acceptable people who have something to offer others. They need to feel more in control over their moods and urges. They need to feel that if they want to do something, they can accomplish it.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be useful for overcoming the depression and anger that is secondary to having been bullied, and the resulting feelings of being worthless and incompetent.
Social withdrawal problems and social anxiety can also be addressed within the context of cognitive therapy. One of the really useful things about a therapy setting is that role playing can take place between therapist and patient to provide anxious patients with the opportunity to practice and improve how they will interact in social situations. When these basic social fears and skill deficits have been addressed, it becomes easier for socially withdrawn individuals to find the connections they need to finally feel accepted by others.
People who have been bullied have been fundamentally disempowered. Their feelings of personal safety have been violated and their belief in their own competency and adequacy has been brought into question. They may exist in a state of perpetual avoidance and paralysis.
In order to feel good about themselves, they will need to break through that paralysis and engage in something that helps them feel like they are gaining in power. Not power over others, but power over themselves. No other person can do this for them. Every person has to decide to empower themselves.
Moving forward
Anger can be productively funneled into a competitive endeavor or a creative expression. Fears can be faced down and courage can be found. Each person must find their own individual healing pathway. Picking out a goal you desire to accomplish, and then deciding to make it happen is the best practical way to move forward.
As with any self-improvement goal, it is a good idea to start small. Divide larger goals into smaller parts if you can, so that each step you take is more realistically achievable.
If you were, or are currently a victim of bullying, Bully Online is an excellent resource to help with recovery and dealing with a bully.
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Thank you.
Thanks for this post, Dr. J. Bullying is an insidious and long lasting form of mental damage, and I’m glad to see you raising people’s awareness as to its effects!
Good for you for taking care of the situation immediately. A lot of people think force (or threat of force) is not effective, but from what I’ve seen of bullies, it’s the only thing that works, as unfortunate as that may be. Probably everyone who heard your interaction was cheering quietly to themselves, as you learned when you asked for day off.
What a wonderful, informative & heart pulling post! I love your personal story & you are do right on about bullying. All the stories I read & see on TV get me crying at times that this goes on to this extent & especially how young it starts & the internet portion of it too.
Thx for tackling this subject & we all need to address & face it & I hope stand up for anyone in this situation & to educate those that allow it to happen, especially parents that have no clue & let their kids do it… awful! Problem is, the parents are part of the problem too! Just like with weight issues.
Dr. J – I love this phrase that you used: “fundamentally disempowered” I told my daughters that I loved it because I personally know people who feel this way because of emotional and physical bullying.
Thanks for really addressing this subject straight on. As a mom to five boys, I really make a concerted effort to teach my boys appropriate responses to their frustrations. (Not that all bullies are boys of course!)
Ah, I could’ve used this post in Middle School.
(And yes, Diane, the bullies I knew were all girls.)
Roy!
You are most welcome!
EFR!
Thanks! There are several fields with qualified health care providers that can offer help to people who have been bullied.
Julie!
I certainly cannot recommend force or threatened force in every situation, but there are times when it must be settled once and for all!
Jody!
We all need to be vigilant, and do what we can to help others.
Diane!
I hope the people you know are taking practical, action-oriented, steps to build their self-esteem!
The one and only Merry!
Girls can be mean :-)
Bullies get away with horrible behavior because so few people are willing to stand up to them. Good for you for taking a stand!
Whoa – I will remember never to mess with you! But seriously, good for you for standing up to him! I hate bullies.
GREAT topic. I dealt with being bullied in junior high. It was horrible. I changed schools for high school and was SO happy that I did that. I think that a lot of people forget that bullying still takes place beyond grade school.
Hey Dr. J! What a useful topic concerning both health and fitness. But I must admit I am a bit conflicted. Sure I see how bullying is bad and I was bullied a lot as a kid because I was shy.
Speaking as the devil’s advocate for a moment (I know how much you like that)…
Bullies teach children the survival of the fittest at the play ground.
Bullies keep emergency rooms fully staffed.
Bullies insurance liability premiums artificially high.
And last but not least – Bullies keep lawyers able to command high salaries!
Dismissing my obvious sarcasm – really being picked on as a kid instilled me to become the martial artist I am today.
I’m sure I would have turned out ok if I did not have to learn the old one-two in grade school though.
I think you have made some pragmatic points about facing one’s fears and dealing with bullies. I’ve always said that bullies will pick on the easy targets.
Crabby!
I hope more people will stand their ground, it would make a difference!
Sahar!
My working title for this column was, “I hate bullies!”
Sagan!
I’m glad your parents understood what you were going through! I have one word for you, “Aikido!” :-)
John!
Good points!
A very smart friend of mine said that he wouldn’t be the confident man he is today because his response to being bullied as a kid “defined” him!
When I was in my most recent relationship, I witnessed (again in my life) his daughter being bullied. Her “best friends” demanded certain behaviors from her if she wanted to remain in their group. The demands blew my mind, bringing me right back to that age (around 16). I had read the book “Odd Girl Out: the hidden aggression of teenage girls” a few years earlier. We tried to coach her to stand her ground but she couldn’t do it. This bullying came in the form of her friends ignoring her, banishing her, treating her boyfriend in a mean way and assorted other tactics. These girls had bullying down to a science and it worked it’s magic. It was painful to witness bringing back so many memories.
I recently skipped yet another high school reunion. Those weren’t the best years of my life. I remember so many of the kids back then bullying and mistreating one another. Those same kids are now adults, forming Yahoo groups, emailing long lists of how great is was to see each other at the reunion. And for some reason, I still remember so clearly, girls betraying one another, lying and beating the crap out of each other after school. Now they are all buddybuddy after these reunions. I asked one friend who pleaded with me to go to this reunion, how her evening went? She said she avoided “those mean girls who used to pick on [her].” I thought, ‘wow, sounds like a great time was had by all.’ ;-)
This woman told me that her sister was so bullied that she dropped out of school at age 16. She was picked on for being overweight. Before dropping out of school, the sister spent each lunch hour sitting in the car with her mom who had brought her lunch to school so she could avoid the taunts by other people.
I suppose this is one of the many things I need to let it go. But since I have such vivid memories of cruelty, I use these memories more like a lesson learned and don’t go back and don’t attend reunions and make a special effort in attendance to “avoid the people who picked on me.”
POD!
I can’t really add anything to your powerful, and thought provoking comment except to say, thank you!
man I already think about this with regards to my daughter.
I spend lots of time in the schools talking about writing and the interactions *I* have witnessed have been hair raising…
Carla!
Yeah, my high school was known for both it’s academic excellence, and it’s extreme violence!