Contributor: “Dr. J”
Dr. J offers his irreverent, slightly irrelevant, but possibly useful opinions on health and fitness. A Florida surgeon and fitness freak with a black belt in karate, he runs 50 miles a week and flies a Cherokee Arrow 200.
No one likes to stir up trouble in their close relationships; like it or not, there are conversations about areas that, for everyone’s best interests, need to be addressed, however delicately. One such area — not surprising, considering the current statistics of two-thirds of us being either overweight or obese — is that of the need to make healthy lifestyle changes and lose weight.
“Suggesting to someone that they should consider losing a few pounds may not be a comfortable conversation to have, but if someone close to you has a large waistline, then as long as you do it in a sensitive manner, discussing it with them now could help them avoid critical health risks later down the line and could even save their life,” says professor David Haslam, the chair of the National Obesity Forum. This approach is reminiscent of poet Alexander Pope’s 18th-century line, “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”
Perhaps feeling that there may be protection in numbers, a second brave voice on the subject — Dr. Jean-Pierre Despres, the scientific director of the International Chair on Cardiometabolic Risk — also spoke up: “This is about health, not vanity. Start by encouraging someone close to you (who would benefit) to make simple lifestyle changes such as becoming more active, making small alterations to their eating habits, and replacing sugary drinks with water.”
The motivation behind these men suggesting that spouses stir up a hornet’s nest is the result of a poll of more than 2,000 people commissioned by the International Chair on Cardiometabolic Risk (ICCR). The study demonstrated the risks of being overweight and in particular, overweight around the waist, as excess abdominal fat has been proven to increase the risk of Type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease and stroke.
The poll, supported by the National Obesity Forum, found that 59 percent of people were concerned that a loved one would develop serious health problems due to his or her large waistline.
This seems simple enough, except for a minor problem in the communication of this issue.
It is apparent, according to this research, that men are three times more likely than women to struggle with telling their partner that they need to lose weight. The usual reasons these men gave for this hesitancy was the fear of hurting their partner’s feelings or provoking a significant emotional reaction from them when this subject was broached.
Well, yeah! I mean, men know that she looks fine in those jeans — at least, men had better say so!
As for doing it in a kind, sensitive way, I think a woman might be more successful in doing that, but in my opinion, a man telling a woman that she needs to lose weight and kindness are a societal oxymoron.
The poll found that almost one-third of men (31 percent) do not want to confront their partner about losing weight, compared with only 10 percent of women who would not want to tell their man to do so. Not surprisingly, 23 percent of women are also much more likely to find it difficult to tell a close female friend to go on a diet compared with 8 percent of the men. That’s because women are smart!
Perhaps looking to women for how to address this touchy subject might be useful, or not:
- Don’t criticize, says Amy Gorin, a University of Connecticut behavioral psychologist specializing in weight loss and weight control. She recommends using praise for any exercising or healthy eating your partner does. She adds, “Most important, shape up yourself. If you’re living healthily, it’ll be easier for your partner to do the same.”
- Don’t nag. Continual berating only causes conflict and resentment, says Maye Musk, a New York nutritionist and couples counselor.
- Don’t judge. Sugary, fatty foods are very tempting, and it doesn’t help to be critical when somebody gives in, says Gorin.
- Don’t sabotage. Bringing junk food into the house only fuels a partner’s weight problem, says Musk.
- Don’t play cop. Most people don’t like being told what they should and shouldn’t eat, says Gorin. “Nobody likes to feel like they’re losing control,” she says. “If you push something on them, they’ll rebel.”
- Be loving, says Jennifer Blair, who largely credits her husband’s tender ways for helping her drop 33 pounds.
- Be helpful by problem-solving with your partner. Offer strategies to resist temptation. Look for ways to do it differently the next time.
- Be careful about what you eat in front of your partner, and do not use food as a reward.
- Be a role model. If one partner starts exercising and eating better, the other partner also tends to lose weight, says Gorin.
- Be a team and do it together. Suggest joint healthy lifestyle changes such as taking walks, trying new low-calorie recipes and going grocery-shopping together, adds Gorin.
Although we don’t want to stir up trouble communicating in our close relationships, we always do, so we might as well say something that might actually be helpful this time, and nothing says “helpful” like living a healthier life! Acquiring a medical condition that could have been prevented by preemptive lifestyle changes is not what we want to happen.
If you are truly concerned about a loved one and perhaps feel the need for a more objective opinion, suggest that they ask their doctor or another knowledgeable health care provider about whether they would benefit from making healthy, life-saving changes. Then they can have the emotional outburst at their office.
We don’t want to be like the myth about ostriches and bury our heads in the sand. It is so much better to risk having our heads taken off when we are only trying to be helpful.
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A psychological defense mechanism is a mental process — usually unconscious — that protects the person from shame, anxiety, conflict, loss of self-esteem, or other unacceptable feelings or thoughts.
